Death Takes Over the Bar
by Aryelweb
Summary: When Michelle makes Rene and the staff take part in another of her plans, she leaves the most interesting... beings... to mind the bar. Singing not by Edith, eeping, and drunkeness! One shot!


Disclaimer: I own the reapers, but not 'Allo 'Allo, mmkay? Boulevard of Broken Dreams belongs to Greenday. All the Things She Said belongs to Tatu.

The lyrics of the parody Greg sings might not fit with the tune, mmkay? I can't change the lyrics in the right way. 

---

A brown headed woman in a trench coat looked from right to left. Never fear – the coast was clear.

She beckoned over her shoulder, before darting out of the alleyway quickly, shortly followed by six other girls dressed in a similar fashion to her.

The woman and her allies reached the window of a certain café. She opened the windows open wide, and stepped inside, and the other girls followed once again.

There was no one there. After checking to make sure no one had followed (which no one had), the woman commanded the other girls.

'Stay right here,' she whispered. 'I-'

'Hey!' another woman, with hair quite similar to the first, entered the room.

The first one tensed, then recognised her. 'Mimi, tell Rene I am in here,' she wasted no time.

Mimi nodded, before backing out of the room. She came in again a moment later, with Rene the café owner, his wife Edith, and another serving girl at her heels.

'Where is she?' Rene looked around, pissed.

'Listen very carefully, I shall say zis only once!' a voice at Rene's ankles nearly made him jump a mile high, not to mention step on her.

'Michelle, what are you doing down there?' Rene looked at the ground. Michelle was once again under the table.

Michelle came out from under the table, and made a signal. Six others from the resistance that had came with her came out from their separate hiding places.

'Listen very carefully, I shall say zis only once,' repeated Michelle ironically. 'The airmen made it as far as the English channel in their canoe yesterday, but zey were shot and captured by patrolling Germans. Now, zey are trapped in ze POW camp, and we need to get zem out again so we can hide zem here. All of you, come!'

'Michelle!' snapped Rene. 'I have a business to run! Who will look after the till? My wife's mother has just drunken too much gin to mind it, and she will frighten away the customers!'

'Never mind about zat,' said Michelle. Before she could get interrupted by Rene. 'I 'ave set some trusted individuals to mind ze bar for you, now, come with me, quickly!'

Rene groaned. 'Fine!' he said.

Finally, they left.

---

'Edith,' said Lieutenant Gruber. 'You look incredibly nice today, even nicer than usual.'

The cloaked individual at the bar, to whom Gruber was talking to, grunted, then burped. It tried to down a bottle of sherry, but only succeeded in spilling it and creating a puddle at its feet.

'You'll have to excuse Greg,' said another being dressed the same way. 'No body fat at all, so the drink kind of falls through…'

'No skin either,' agreed another one.

Greg burped again.

'Where has Rene gone?' enquired Gruber.

Greg ignored him. The second being answered for him.

'He's constipated, so he went to the little boys room,' she said. 'He might be a while. By the way, I'm Therry. I'm usually working at the hospital, but Michelle got mad and made me come here.'

'You're going to have a lot of work to catch up on by the time you've finished,' said the third one. 'I heard there was an epidemic of flu going around.'

'Quite terrible,' nodded Gruber.

'Killed me,' the third one continued. 'Grim reaper was pissed 'coz I didn't die properly.'

'That'd be dad,' said Therry. 'He's always pissed. Which is why I took over part of his job, because he was getting old again.'

'Uh…' Gruber trailed off.

'What's wrong with being a grim reaper, I asks you?' enquired Therry. 'Dun worry, Gladys is, but she doesn't have a job yet.'

Gruber twitched. 'I'll have another conyac,' (a/n: I think I spelt that wrong) he said after a pause.

'You seriously have too much,' said Therry.

'I know,' Gruber agreed too readily, especially when he thought he caught a glimpse of bone as Therry turned around to get the bottle. She opened the cabinet.

'Ah, crap,' she swore. 'Greg's drunk all of it again. GREG!'

Said Greg burped.

'Rene's gonna be pissed,' said Gladys.

Just then the bell tinkled, as the café door opened and the Gestapo officer came in, followed by Helga.

'Where is Rene?' asked Herr Flick. Helga eyed the three reapers. Greg burped again.

'Apparently,' said Gruber nervously. 'He's having some sort of bowel trouble…'

'Ah, yes,' said Herr Flick. 'I get it all the time.'

Greg peered at Herr Flick, then pegged a bottle at him.

'OUCH!' Guess who?

Herr Flick straightened himself up. 'I vill have my usual in ze back room.'

'Sorry, Maria and Yvette aren't here,' said Gladys.

'I mean my candlelit dinner, you dumb arse!' snapped Herr Flick in reply.

'What candle lit dinner?' asked Therry innocently.

'Did Rene, the owner of this café-' started Herr Flick.

'Hey, it rythmes!' Gladys noticed.

A random baby grim reaper began to cry. Gladys took it away into another room.

'-Not give you instructions?' finished Herr Flick.

Helga twitched slightly.

'No,' said Therry. 'The resistance gave us instructions.'

'Bullshit,' Herr Flick lifted his chin up high.

There was an awkward pause.

'Can I call you Flicky?' asked Therry. 'Hello Flicky-wicky!'

Helga backed away slowly. She could see the warning signs – in any second now, her fiancé would blow up and take the café, not to mention her, with him.

Gladys came back into the room, the mini-grim reaper clinging onto her clothes. She also noticed the warning signs. 'Uh, Therry?' she said. 'Rene values his café, and Dad hasn't given my a scythe yet.'

'Ah, crap,' said Therry. 'So, Flicky-'

'HERR OTTO FLICK TO YOU!'

'Whatever, Flicky, I shall prepare ze – cough – I mean THE, damn the French, back room for you!'

'Good,' "Flicky" began to calm down. Helga came out of her hiding place behind the piano and sighed in relief. 'You have done vell.'

'Ah, shaddup,' Greg spoke for the first time. Gladys and her offspring managed to prevent him from chucking another bottle.

'Mister?' said the grim reaper child softly.

'Vhat?' Herr Flick demanded, looking down on her.

'What would you like to eat?' she continued in the same tone. Actually, she said 'eep', but Herr Flick was able to translate.

'Ve vill order once ve get ze menu,' said Flick.

'Eep!' the kid ran away somewhere, just as Le Clerc came in. ('It is me, Le Clerc!')

'L-let us have… a song!' said Le Clerc.

'Greg can sing,' Gladys volunteered. Therry went pale.

'OK,' Greg grunted. He stood up on the bar, and said in a grating voice: 'I will sing a parody of… "Boulevard of Broken Dreams", by Greenday, called "Street of Dead Trees!".'

'They stand on a lonely road

The only one they have ever known

Don't know where it goes

But it's only them and they stand alone!

They can't walk empty streets

The big and lonely street of dead trees

Where the old park sleeps!

It's the big and lonely street of dead trees!

They stand alone

They stand alone

They stand alone!

Their shadows' the only one beside them

Their thin brown bark's the only thing that protects them

Sometimes they wish some storm would uproot them,

Til then they stand aloooooooone!

Uh-uh! Uh-uh! Uh-uh! UH-uh! Uh-uh! Uh-uh!

They stand alone! They stand alooooone!'

Everyone twitched. Someone threw a bottle of sherry at him.

'Yay!' said Greg, and grabbed it from the floor. Miraculously, it hadn't shattered. Greg drank it all.

'Eep!' A rather battered grim reaper child came out of the piano. 'Ow!' she started to cry.

'Le Clerc!' said Gladys. 'You've made Nameless cry!'

---

'Yvette? Mimi? Ediiiith! Will no one listen to an old lady?' Fanny was buggering about again. 'AH! ZE FLASHING KNOBS!'

'EEP!' Nameless rushed into the room and lifted the bed all by herself. She took out the speakers and finally, the microphone. She screeched, 'EEP!' into it.

'Allo allo! Nighthawk! Do you read me?'

'EEP!'

'Little red riding hood must sit on Miss Muffet's tuffet, she must not go to the woods!'

'Eep?'

'Use the bloody code book!'

'Eep!' Nameless located the code book. She looked into it.

'Eep?' she said.

'Don't say it, what if someone overhears?' the radio reprimanded her.

---

'Zey are right,' said Herr Flick. He had an antennae randomly sticking into the air in the back room. 'Eep?'

'You were able to translate earlier, Herr Flick,' said Helga boldly.

'Translate vhat?'

'The eeping!'

'Vell, I cannot translate now,' said Herr Flick. Helga rolled her eyes.

'Can we continue dinner?'

'Certainly,' said Herr Flick.

'You are making me very excited, Herr Flick.'

'Anything gets you excited, Helga.'

---

'Eep?'

'Yes, I'm afraid so.'

'EEP!'

'My brother had the EXACT same problem!'

'Eep.'

'I must get the recipe off you some time.'

'EEPERS!'

'Well, that's a new one! Sure!'

'Eep…'

'I'm sure!'

'EEP!'

'And I'm the King of England!'

'Eep…'

'No, seriously, I am.'

'EEEEEEEEEP!' Nameless threw the microphone out of the window, before heading back downstairs, the radio still set up.

---

'Nameless, please give this sausage soup to Madame Fanny,' Gladys handed her daughter a bowl.

'EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP!'

'Good girl,' Gladys petted her daughter on the head. 'Good girl.'

Therry looked up from her magazine as two men entered the café. They headed towards the bar.

'Where's Rene?' asked the fat one. They were German soldiers.

'He's constipated and having trouble crapping,' answered Therry.

'Ah…' the fat one trailed off.

'Who are you?' asked the other reaper.

'Colonel Von Strohm,' he answered. 'This is Hans, the captain.'

The other one, staring at Gladys with beady eyes, was identified as so.

'You look like a weasel,' said Gladys.

'Yay,' said the captain.

'Greg's going to sing again,' said Therry.

At the words 'sing', the colonel nearly had a heart attack. Then he noticed that Edith was, fortunately, nowhere in sight either, and calmed down.

'Do you have some cheese?' the captain asked Therry.

Therry shrugged. 'When Greg sang last time,' she said. 'Strangely, everyone bought the cheese. Sold out, sorry.'

'We're doomed,' said a random person, who had been around to listen to Greg's other song.

Greg stood up. 'I will,' now he was even more drunk than last time. 'Sing a parody of "All the Things she Said", by Tatu, called, "The house is on fire!".'

Everyone looked around wildly, before calming down again.

Greg cleared his throat.

'The house is on fire!

The house is on fire!

And it's burning up

And it's burning up

And it's burning up!

The house is on fire

The house is on fire

And it's burning up

And it's burning up

And it's burning up!

This is just too bad! Ha, ha!

This is just too baaaaad!

This is serious shit,

We are totally dead,

We're calling for help,

Only because

If someone don't come,

We will all burn to death,

All our posses-

Ions gone with us!

I keep calling out loud,

Hoping so bad,

Someone will hear us and help us, so mad!

Wanna get out and live,

Like the way we want.

Nobody else, we'll die in here!

_Nobody else, we'll die in here!_

The house is on fire,

The house is on fire!

And it's burning up

And it's burning up

And it's burning up!

The house is on fire,

The house is on fire!

And it's burning up

And it's burning up

And it's burning up!

Mother looking at me,

Tell me, will we be free?

I'm about to faint!

Daddy looking at me,

Will you get out with me?

We're about to die!

The house is on fire,

The house is on fire!

And it's burning up

And it's burning up

And it's burning up!

The house is on fire,

The house is on fire!

And it's burning up

And it's burning up

And it's burning up!'

Someone chucked another bottle.

'Hey!' exclaimed Greg. 'This one's empty! FOOD FIGHT!'

'EEP!' Nameless, who had just come downstairs, ran into the back room to hide, only to meet Rene, Michelle, and company coming through the window.

'What's going on?' exclaimed Rene, rushing through the door, panicked.

'Eep,' said Nameless quietly.

'I see,' nodded Michelle. 'Greg has been drinking again?'

'Eep.'

'I will sing to the customers to calm them down!' said Edith.

'EEP!' Nameless jumped out of the window. Michelle leaned out, to Nameless who was sprawled on the ground.

'No use doing that,' Michelle whispered. 'This is the first floor.'

'Eep.'

---

PLEASE READ AND REVIEW!


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